The truth

Since I know no one reads this i can be very honest with myself. Have you ever felt the distance between you and God? I don't mean have you ever looked at yourself and realized you were not close to God, but have you ever felt it? Its not a feeling as if something is there, its the feeling of something lacking. Something's missing. And goodness, i wonder why? Where did my steps go wrong? Who was I? Who am I? I am a leader in many respects in several Christian forums. I lead a Small campus ministry called CrossImpact, which i'm sad to say doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Last night we had a meeting with just 4 of us, and we had a great time in prayer. I am an officer in my Christian fraternity, the chaplain actually, which means i'm responsible for giving and aiding the spiritual direction of the fraternity. I cannot do it! I need too much guidance myself for me to be trying to give something to 70+ other guys. Who am I kidding? I feel like my miserable condition is transparent; I'm not even able to hide it.

I feel like i'm cheating the men of my fraternity by not being able to lead them properly. I feel like i am shorting my girlfriend because I just can't find joy. I know i am shorting God because my heart is in anguish. Remember that verse i posted a few days ago, from Matthew? The one that says the "kindom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field"? Well the man finds it and then for the sake of joy goes and sells all that he has to buy the field that it is in so that he can have the treasure. Joy. I remember what that feels like. The happiness, the smiles, the shouts that cannot be contained. It bubbles over and grows exponentially. Its joy. Joy in knowing God. Joy in pleasing God. Joy in being with people I love. Now what do I feel? discontentment, desire. An undescribable distant feeling, very much the antithesis of joy. HOW DO I FIND IT AGAIN?

I feel like i'm lying to everyone around me. God isn't fooled. I don't think anyone is fooled. I'm the fool.

Verb Madness

Today i took a quiz in Greek. It was a quiz on one verb meaning "to stand." Sounds easy, right? WRONG. This verb has over 80 different forms which i had to memorize and regurgitate onto paper...

Unfaithful

So if it isn't obvious, I have really not been faithful lately with getting things done. I have a stack of books to read, a list of things to do, and a world of challenges ahead of me that I am somewhat frightened to take on. I wish i could fill you in on all the great stuff i'm learning, but to be  honest i feel kind of dry right now. I think i'm going to leave the stack of books behind (sort of) and pick up just one for right now. I'm deciding between Love Dare, a book about love from 1 corinthians 13 geared to married people (but seems like its got a lot of stuff i need to learn now) and a book about attitude called Lord, Change My Attitude. So if anyone knows of anything worth reading that will be uplifting and spiritually challenging (but easy to read) please let me know. Haha, i know, i only have 2 "followers" and i could just talk to either of you, but maybe someone will read this.

So for now: "The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all he that has and buys that field" (Matthew 13:44)