Since I know no one reads this i can be very honest with myself. Have you ever felt the distance between you and God? I don't mean have you ever looked at yourself and realized you were not close to God, but have you ever felt it? Its not a feeling as if something is there, its the feeling of something lacking. Something's missing. And goodness, i wonder why? Where did my steps go wrong? Who was I? Who am I? I am a leader in many respects in several Christian forums. I lead a Small campus ministry called CrossImpact, which i'm sad to say doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Last night we had a meeting with just 4 of us, and we had a great time in prayer. I am an officer in my Christian fraternity, the chaplain actually, which means i'm responsible for giving and aiding the spiritual direction of the fraternity. I cannot do it! I need too much guidance myself for me to be trying to give something to 70+ other guys. Who am I kidding? I feel like my miserable condition is transparent; I'm not even able to hide it.
I feel like i'm cheating the men of my fraternity by not being able to lead them properly. I feel like i am shorting my girlfriend because I just can't find joy. I know i am shorting God because my heart is in anguish. Remember that verse i posted a few days ago, from Matthew? The one that says the "kindom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field"? Well the man finds it and then for the sake of joy goes and sells all that he has to buy the field that it is in so that he can have the treasure. Joy. I remember what that feels like. The happiness, the smiles, the shouts that cannot be contained. It bubbles over and grows exponentially. Its joy. Joy in knowing God. Joy in pleasing God. Joy in being with people I love. Now what do I feel? discontentment, desire. An undescribable distant feeling, very much the antithesis of joy. HOW DO I FIND IT AGAIN?
I feel like i'm lying to everyone around me. God isn't fooled. I don't think anyone is fooled. I'm the fool.